Ask Manfred

Teajay writes:

Is my boyfriend wierd?

Manfred:

I’m afraid not, your boyfriend is “the balls”.

Brea writes:

How far should I go in Grade 9 with a boy?

Manfred:

At your age my dear, you should only be going as far as the the classroom door.

Parveen writes:

I cheated on my girlfriend. She has decided to give me one last chance, but how can I get her to trust me again?

Manfred:

Well Parveen, not cheating on her again would be a bloody good start. You’re just gonna have to ride this one out I’m afraid, if you behave yourself she will trust you again in time.

Footie Girl writes:

How old is David Beckham?

Manfred:

Well my dear, England’s very own girly midfield stalwart was born on the 2nd of May 1975, so I’ll let you work it out.

Joe writes:

Whats the funniest thing to say to a girl that can make her laugh?

Manfred:

Well Joe, actions speak louder than words, so show them your ‘little fellow’. Ignore me, I jest, use a cheesy chat-up line such as, “Is that a ladder in your tights or is it a stairway to heaven”. If you use them correctly they won’t sound serious, you won’t sound cheesy and they’re a great icebreaker!

Princess Angel writes:

Will I ever let George Davis know how I really feel about him and will we ever have sex?

Manfred:

Have you got me confused with a fucking Magic 8-ball? Sorry Princess, all signs point to ‘no’ unless you actually let George know how you feel. The answer to your second question really depends on his answer to the first.

P James Herington writes:

I have been divorced over a year now, and I sometimes find myself tongue tied when asking someone out for a date. What do you suggest as a strategy? I’m a decent looking guy, but I don’t know the right words.

Manfred:

Well, in these situations, maybe the phrase, “Would you like to go to [insert place here] with me?” would be worth trying. Possible non-threatening places to invite them to maybe a bar, cinema or sporting event of your choosing. Women don’t want you to beat around the bush with these things, that’s their job (annoying as it is). Just be direct, and if the answer isn’t what you were after, then at least you knew quickly, and you can move on to the next one.

Alison writes:

Do you think that I am pregnant?

Manfred:

Well Alison, why not answer these questions and find out! Is your belly getting round? Have you had a spot of horizontal Tango recently? Are you developing a healthy glow? If you’ve answered ‘Yes’ to the above questions, then well done, you’ll be dropping a sprog shortly. Though I would suggest getting a doctor to have a poke around first, just to make sure.

Vic writes:

There is no way to get rid of a hickey.

Manfred:

This is Ask Manfred, Vic, not Tell Manfred. But alas, you are mistaken, for good old fashioned ‘leaving it over time’ will cure that nasty flesh wound. Failing that, paint a brown patch over your neck and call it a birthmark.

Kate writes:

Is Liz an idiot?

Manfred:

Kate. Dear, dear Kate. Who the fuck is Liz? Why is it that you think she is the idiot? Maybe she’s the normal one.